A Cingular Tale: Close Encounters of The Cellular Kind

Chapter 1: The First Call

Customer Service Representative: This is Bob, may I help you?
Me: I just got a new cell phone about a week ago, and I’m having trouble with it.
Bob: May I have your mobile phone number, please?
Me: (I give him the number)
Bob: Okay, I have your account information here. What kind of problems are you experiencing?
Me: A lot of my calls get disconnected in the middle of the call. And sometimes I can’t make a call at all because my phone doesn’t have any service.
Bob: That might happen in some areas. Sometimes if you live in a rural area the coverage isn’t good.
Me: I live in the city. It’s not rural.
Bob: Oh. Well, maybe it’s your phone. What kind of a phone do you have?
Me: (I tell him.)
Bob: Your phone has an internal antenna, and sometimes they don’t work as well. You might want to switch to a phone with an external antenna.
Me: But this is the phone they gave me at the store. Why would they give me a phone that doesn’t work?
Bob: I don’t know, Ma’am.
Me: How do I get a new phone?
Bob: You can just go back to the store where you bought it, and they should exchange it for you.
Me: Well, OK, I guess I’ll try that.

Chapter 2: It’s All In Your Head

SC (Store Clerk): Hi, can I help you?
Me: Well, I hope so. (I place my phone on the counter.) I’ve been having trouble with my phone, and Customer Service told me I should come in and exchange it for a phone with an external antenna.
SC: Do you have your receipt?
Me: (I show her the receipt; she examines it.)
SC: You got the phone more than 15 days ago, so we can’t do anything now.
Me: What does 15 days have to do with it?
SC: It says in your contact that you have 15 days to cancel the service if you aren’t happy with it.
Me: I don’t want to cancel the service, I just want to exchange my phone.
SC: (Looks doubtful) Why do you want to exchange your phone?
Me: Because this one doesn’t work. I called Customer Service and they told me to come in here and exchange it.
SC: Oh- the phone doesn’t work?
Me: That’s what I said.
SC: Oh- well, OK, I guess we can exchange it, then. Do you just want another phone of the same model?
Me: No, I just told you that Customer Service said I should get one with an external antenna. This one has an internal antenna.
SC: (Examines the phone) I don’t know if we have any phones that have an external antenna.
Me: Well- can you look?
SC: Um-I guess so. (I follow her over to the display of phones.) I’m not sure which ones have external antennas.
Me: Can’t you just look at them? I mean, if the antenna is “external,” you should be able to see it.
SC: I don’t know- (calls over another clerk). Do we have any phones with external antennas?
SC #2: Just these 3. (He indicates 3 models. They range in price from $19.99 to $149.99.)
Me: But the phone I have was free with my plan. Don’t you have any free phones with external antennas?
SC #2: No.
Me: But this one doesn’t work. Customer Service told me you would exchange it for one that has an external antenna.
SC #2: Well, you’ll have to call them and talk to them about it. I can’t give you a free phone.
Me: So my choices are keeping a free phone that doesn’t work, or paying for one that might work?
SC #2: Yes.
Me: (I decide, reluctantly, to return my current phone and buy the $19.99 phone.) What happens to this phone that I’m returning? I already stored all of my personal phone numbers in it.
SC#: We’ll send it back to the factory, and they’ll erase everything.

Chapter 3: Round and Round We Go…

CSR: Hello, my name is David, how may I help you?
Me: I’m having trouble with my cell phone.
David: May I have your mobile phone number, please?
Me: (I give him the number)
David: Okay, I have your account information here. What kind of problems are you experiencing?
Me: A lot of my calls get disconnected in the middle of the call. And sometimes I can’t make a call at all because my phone doesn’t have any service. I called a few days ago, and one of your colleagues told me it was probably my phone, because it had an internal antenna, so I went back to the store and paid $19.99 for a new phone with an external antenna, and it still doesn’t work.
David: The phone doesn’t work at all?
Me: Not reliably- my calls keep getting dropped. Even when I'm standing in one spot, the little bars on the display that indicate the strength of the signal keep changing every few seconds- there might be five bars, then two seconds later there might be only one, or none.
David: If you're driving, the signal strength can vary as you move from one area to another.
Me: I’m not driving. I’m I my house. There’s no reason for the signal strength to vary, since I’m not moving. I'm standing in my house right now, and I literally have my nose pressed up against my glass patio door. There is nothing between my phone and the outside except a pane of glass. Okay, I'll even GO outside. Okay, now I am standing outside in my yard. There isn't anything that should interfere with the signal, but it keeps changing. I'm not in my car, I'm not moving, the phone isn't moving.
David: Yes, I understand—
Me: And I assume that the towers where the signal comes from are not moving.
David: Well, Ma'am, I wouldn't know about that.
Me: (Speechless.)

I'll keep you posted on the situation (but not by phone.)

Chapter 4: Why It’s Called A “Mobile” Phone

CSR: Hello, my name is Dan, how may I help you?
Me: I’m having problems with my phone (I recounted the entire story.)
Dan: Where do you generally use your phone?
Me: Well, obviously I mostly use it when I’m not home, but sometimes I use it from home, especially for long distance calls, since they’re free.
Dan: Well, you really should only be using your phone when you’re out.
Me: When I’m out? What if someone calls me when I’m home? Shouldn’t I be able to talk to them?
Dan: It IS a Mobile Phone…
Me: But how does the phone know whether I’m “home?” It doesn’t know where I live, does it?
Dan: Yes, the company knows where you live.
Me: That sounds kind of ominous. But of course you have my address so you can send me a bill. But is there something inside the phone that tells it that’s where I live, and that it should work everyplace else EXCEPT there?
Dan: No, of course not.
Me: Then why doesn’t it work at my daughter’s apartment either? After all, that's not MY home—she lives 4 miles away. And what if I moved? Would the phone know that I had a new home? And then, if this wasn’t my home any more, could I come over here and knock on the door and ask the new owners if I could please come in and use my cell phone to make a call from their living room, and the phone would work?
Dan: Ummm—I’m really not sure…
Me: That’s because you’re an idiot. (OK, I didn’t really say that. I just said “Thank you” and hung up.)

Chapter 5: Not an Idiot

CSR: Hello, this is Kim, May I help you?
Me: (Once again, I went through the entire story. Kim laughed and/or gasped at what I considered to be appropriate places in the tale, which I took to be a hopeful sign.)
Kim: I understand your problem. You’re right, the phone should work from everywhere in your coverage area, including your house.
Me: You’re the first person I've talked to who isn’t an idiot.
Kim: (laughing): Well, I’m older.

Chapter 6: Out With The Old…

I have to look at some other phones they have that still use the Old Technology but will work with the New Technology. They're called GAIT phones. (Perhaps that refers to the "gait" you use when you are walking to the place you were trying to call but couldn't get on your phone.)

I'll keep you posted. (But not by phone.)

Epilogue

In spite of Kim not being an idiot, things never improved. After several more months, I gave up and cancelled my contract and signed up with Verizon. So far, so good…