Why I hate Shopping at Target

The other day I went to Target. It's a nicer store than Wal-Mart, but it doesn't have as much stuff. But it's definitely cleaner.

Actually, as shopping experiences go, this one was better than some. The store wasn't crowded (it was 8:30 AM), and I didn't need to try anything on. But even though none of the individual items I bought cost more than 5 or 6 dollars, it still added up to $90.

This is what I bought:

tissues
toilet paper
paper towels
laundry detergent
shampoo
conditioner
soap
contact lens solution
toothpaste
mouthwash
bathroom cleaner
red licorice
granola bars

I can think of a WHOLE lot of things I would rather have spent $90 on. But I suppose that not having toilet paper would be a lot more annoying than not having a new outfit or even several new books.

Speaking of toilet paper, though, I realize that there are some significant gaps in my consumer knowledge. Why is it that everyone in the entire English-speaking world calls it '"toilet paper" and yet every ad on TV calls it "bathroom tissue?" If that's "bathroom tissue," what are we supposed to call the box of tissues that we keep in the bathroom? And when they advertise toilet bowl cleanser, they always talk about cleaning the "bowl," rather than the "toilet." But do you know anyone who calls it a "bowl?" I sure don't. A bowl is what you mix cookie dough in, or serve salad in. A toilet is a toilet, not a bowl. You never hear anyone say to their dog, "Don't drink out of the bowl!" Or to their male children, "Don't forget to put the lid of the bowl down when you're done." And just think of the possible complications that could arise if we did call the toilet a “bowl”—imagine saying to one of your kids, “Don’t eat the popcorn right out of the bag—your hands will get all greasy. Put it in the bowl before you eat it.”

OK, I think we have settled that issue: It's a toilet, not a "bathroom bowl." Strange- it's OK to say words like "b---ch" and "a---ole" on TV, but you can't say "toilet.”

Anyway, getting back to my lack of consumer knowledge, toilet-paper-wise: what's really annoying is trying to figure out which package of toilet paper/tissues/paper towels to buy. It's completely impossible to do any comparison shopping. There is no standardization between brands, or even within the same brand. There are nearly as many different sizes as there are brands of toilet paper (notice I didn't say "bathroom tissue"). There are "single rolls" and "double rolls," which don't look as if they are twice as big as single rolls, but there is no way to compare the prices, partly because, at least on this day at Target, several of the price tags on the shelf were missing.

And some of the labels are in Spanish.

Paper towels are even worse. Some are measured in feet; some in inches; some in yards; and some in meters; and sometimes in "square" feet or inches or yards or meters. And then others are measured by the number of sheets per roll.

And then there are the tissues, which at least seem to come in standard measurement- the number of sheets per box. But the boxes come in such odd sizes- 144 sheets, 230 sheets, 180 sheets- that again, it's impossible to figure out the best value unless you happen to be Raymond, the character played by Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man,” or unless you bring a calculator to the store and stand there blocking the aisle and spending time figuring out how to save fourteen cents.

So, faced with this hopeless task, I used my usual technique: I made a token attempt (without assistance from a calculator or an incredibly but selectively gifted autistic man) to figure out which size or brand of paper towels was the best value (Bounty, 15 rolls, $11.99) and I put a couple of those in my cart. This cleared my conscience by allowing me to pretend that I had really gotten the best deal possible, at least on the paper towels, and then I didn't even think about the prices of the toilet paper or the tissues.

I went to the checkout.

The clerk who rang up my purchases gave me a gift receipt.

I wonder which of those items he thought was a gift?